Since Friday past, after being privy to an hour of staring at the chess board which found itself in front of me, I've been thinking about the fascinating combination of pieces on the board. Hell no, I wasn’t playing … I have some self-respect left after all! What I know of chess can bring down the status of the institution as an official sport!
Anyhow, barely knowing how each piece is allowed to move and being a self-confessed ignorant on the subject of chess, I still feel the need to lament on my understanding of each of the pieces if you would indulge me:
The Pawn: The poor little eunuchs were put in place by a King to protect his lady’s honour. Many other such atrocities began as an innocent thought. These little boys are so short-sighted that, after their initial hesitant move, they seemingly forget that they were allowed two spaces before and continue their lives one step at a time. They are also not even missed on the board and are so easily sacrificed for a “real” piece. On very rare occasions one or two of the little ones get to shine when they take another piece on the board, even more rarely a “real” piece. Sadly, this is only to be taken in the very next, cleverly calculated and sequenced move. You have to wonder if any of them have even thought of taking this up with their union.
The Rook: Well, with a name like that, one can only conjure up thoughts of Goliath-like giants, fully armoured in metal and ready to defend King and country. And if that alone did it for me, I’d have been able to select these dudes as my piece of choice. But alas, their armour is just waaay too restrictive for any kind of rendezvous to be arranged easily. But it is when these oafs would open their mouth that I just know I’m likely to be bored, don’t I? Anybody who can only move in a straight line seems just a little sad to me. Yeah, so they get to do that fancy move where they cross over the King, but so what? Because they still just end up covering the big knob’s royal hinee a little too closely.
The Knight: Major swoon points here. I’m such a girl … not even going to pretend that I'm sorry! But I don’t put it down to the beautiful shape of this lovely piece, even though thoughts of a prince-like (not Charles, for heaven's sake!) hero on a beautiful stallion springs to mind rather naturally. To me, the attraction sits more in the moves of this piece. He covers 4 spaces in an unusual “L” shape – “L” is for Love, Lust or Long. Coincidence? I think not! And when he moves, he also does not care who is in his way – he politely ignores everybody around him in his quest and asks no permission. What I love most though, is the mathematics of it all!!! That “L” shape can cover absolutely every square on the board without ever touching the same square twice! Besides, 4 is the preferred number for people who suffer obsessive compulsive disorder. Yeah baby!
The Bishop: This little chap is a little bit devious, isn’t he? He is definitely carrying something under that innocent and mock-holy garb. This is one piece that I feel sneaks up on you from afar in the blink of an eye without warning, mostly because your attention is elsewhere. Always close to the royals and always with something up his sleazy sleeve. What is it about men of the cloth that make you feel uneasy anyhow?
The King: Nope, no sequence error here. The king is next on my list. Deal with it! To me, he is nothing but the crown. No more than the piece of paper the other team is after. I imagine him to be a really short guy (SMS of note!!!) on a very high throne. Waaay too many frills, mind you. Imagine moving so slowly all the time and never getting anywhere. Ooh, I think I’ll move here! No, there! Ooh, back again!?!? Always on the defensive and needing a full army of men and one woman (imagine that, hey?) to cover your scared butt.
The Queen: Come on, you know she rules! I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying that’s the way it is. She holds the most power. Is there any other piece on the board worth “winning back” by moving a forgotten pawn to the far side? And let’s face it: with her kind of moves (when her men don't get in her way) she must get pretty bored sometimes with all the incompetent men surrounding her. She has the King on one side, but he is too busy getting fat on elaborate banquet meals. Besides, you know she didn't marry him for his charm and good looks. The bishop is on her other flank, but quite frankly he can’t even “think straight”. And then there's all these brain-dead little guys in front of her who have been “safe-guarded” from her advances. What's a smart girl to do, I ask you? It’s not surprising that she sometimes just wonders what she is doing it all for and throws in the towel and yells: “Have the King, you bloody fool!”
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